You want a title? Really?
by Jennifer Sistrunk-real name
Summary: A mixed up blend of entertainment...click if you dare. LEMON WARNING: Rated M for Mature for a reason. If you are not old enough to view and or appreciate or understand this is not the book your looking for.


For those of you who have never heard this story, it is obvious you have not been paying attention to your own dreams.

I grew up in a town plagued, thwarted, and addicted to goblins. In fact, many a good girl in my town has obsessed over our famous vigilante and her dashing nefarious man in tights. As a fore note, I would like to state that I absolutely cannot get through the entire movie known as the "Labyrinth," without laughing my head off at the ridiculous story line. It is also sad to say that though the goblin king is deliciously tasty and Sarah an amaranthian beauty, I only enjoy watching the creatures and the labyrinth itself.

So therefore I am writing not only tales from my own labyrinth, but also my own story, and in particular my own run of the mill creatures in my own hometown…Your task, my readers, is to depict my story from the fiction, my reality from my riddles, and my meanderings for my wanderings. Good luck, and do enjoy yourself while you are here. I promise it won't be so bad...though it my tickle your funny bone a little...(LEMON Warning) Rated M for mature for a reason...

Part one: Blackbird-The Labyrinth fairytales

Chapter one: (From the Labyrinthine Tales of King Arthur)

The Protection of the Queen

King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the great wizard was showing him his latest creation. It was a chastity belt, except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place which made it, to Arthurs opinion, basically useless.

'This is no good, Merlin!' the King exclaimed, 'Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect my lady, the Queen, when I'm on a long quest to defeat the blasted Nords?'

'Ah, sire, just observe,' said Merlin. He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.  
'Merlin, you are a genius!' exclaimed the grateful monarch. 'Now I can leave,  
knowing that my Queen is fully protected.'

After Queen Guinevere was inserted into the device King Arthur then set out upon his lengthy Quest. Four years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all of the knights who has remained in his absence in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection…

With some rather embarrassed faces and tender shuffles of feet they did as their king commanded…and sure enough, each and every one of them was found to be lacking in a certain area, which was found to be either amputated or damaged in some way.

All of them, of course, except Sir Galahad…

'Sir Galahad,' exclaimed King Arthur. 'You are my one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours.'  
But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless…

(More later on The Labyrinthine Tales of King Arthur)

Chapter one: (The Labyrinthine Tales of the Fairy Kings Fool)

The Four Foolish Wishes

Once upon a time there was a small group of people traveling on a road. There was Diligence the Fairy King, his Queen, a Duke, and a Jester named Finn. All the nobles were very ugly being as it was they were all descended toad fairies. Which was why they were together that day, as no one else would travel with such ugly people except for their Fool. Even the castles servants were forbidden, under penalty of death, to speak of the royal family's looks.  
Still, the Royal three made life a living hell for the Jester. Making him do all the work and entertain them as well. Which cause poor Finn to become rather haggard and particularly tired on this particular day. As it was rather hot on the Labyrinth calander…  
As they went along, they came across an old glass bottle, that had been tossed on the side of the road.

Finn hearing a desperate cry from within picked it up and ran to show the others. Inside, they could all see a tiny man.  
"This must be a Genie!" Exclaimed the Fairy King," And he ordered the jester to open the bottle and let the Genie out.  
The Genie was so glad to be out that he gave each of them one wish. "Make it a good one," He told them, "You won't get another."  
The King thought a bit and decided his wish was to be handsome.  
So…the Genie snapped his fingers and the King was the most handsome creature anyone had ever seen.  
Finn smiled at this and said hmmmm!  
Now the Queen wished to be beautiful.  
So the Genie snapped his fingers and she bacame the most beautiful lady anyone had ever seen…and the Finn grinned and chuckled softly.  
Finally, the Duke wished as to be handsome as had the King before him and the Geniequickly granted his wish.  
This time the Finn laughed aloud and rolled upon the ground in fits.  
"Come fool," said the King, "Make your wish so we can be on our way."

Not waiting for Finn the three departed down the road eager to show their new looks off to their kingdom.

"Your wish?" asked the Genie  
Finn came close to the Genie and whispered quietly. "Make them all ugly again!"

(More later on The Labyrinthine Tales of the Fairy Kings Fool)

Chapter one: The Labyrinthine Morals

On the subject of debts

Armand the Dragon Slayer had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death. One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor.

Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it.

Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed.

Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Armand the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Armand for the task Horatio then slipped the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put it into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Armand worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Armand left satisfied and touted as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Armand found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins.

With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer could not have cared less, and knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King shooed him away with no payment made.

The next day, a very peeved Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's loincloth. The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...

The moral of this tale: Pay your bills...

(More on The Labyrinthine Morals later)

Chapter one: The Original Blackbird-Fairytales

The Lady and the Lake

There was once a very sad, and lonely, young woman who lived all alone at the edge of an enchanted lake, only few really knew it was enchanted. One day as she sat on the shore daydreaming she heard a voice...it was a very small very quiet sort of voice, and any normal person would have missed it. But since she had no other sound to look forward to, but the sound of water brushing up against the shore, she was able to hear this small voice quite clearly.

The voice itself had come from a very small white fish that had become entangled in an old fishermen's net. The young woman soon took pity on the poor creature, and gently removed it from its horrible prison. After returning the fish to the lake the young woman turned to go home, and as she turned the fish poked its small head out of the water, smiled, and blew her a kiss with its tiny fin as it dived down into the dark depths of the glittering lake.

The young woman thought she had been dreaming, for fish cannot blow kisses or smile at people, so pulling herself together she returned to her house, and as time went on, slowly, but not entirely, she forgot about the fish.

The years past by quietly, and the young woman grew into a lovely lady. Soon she became known throughout the land, not just for her beauty, but for her kindness and wisdom as well. Unfourtunately she was also very wealthy, and with wealth brings greed eyes. Many young suitors began to come from the nearby villages asking for her hand in marriage, but sadly, many of these men were horrid, unruly, dishonest lads, and because the lady was so sweet, and so innocent, she fell into their awful traps.

Her heart would be broken twice from such men. But the good news is that because her heart was broken, she was able to quickly grow wise to the tricks from other men who would come courting her after. The lady closed her home to all of the men who came asking for her, and soon they stopped coming altogether.

This was fine at first, but as time went on the lady grew quite lonely...for she had no one to talk to, and no one to whisper her secrets too. Well except for the lake that is, and one night she made a wish under a full moon. Pooring all of her hearts desire into it she asked for a companion.

One dark stormy night, the lady was sitting quietly by the fire when she heard a knock at her door, fearing that it was some poor stranger left out in the rain she quickly ran and opened it. To her surprise a large drenched dog stood in her doorway. The dog was strange, almost completely white, except for a few flecks of black and gold hair, and its eyes were a strange blue and gold color. The poor thing whined pitifully, and because the lady had not lost her kindness when she had locked away her heart, she let the poor creature in, and the dog quite content settled down by the fire.

Later that night after the lady had gone to bed, a pair of burglers broke into her home. They were some of the men that she had turned away from her home before, and they had every intention of harming her and stealing her possesions.

The dog hearing the commotion, ferociously attacked the men, nearly tearing their throats out, In their fear the men fled from the home screaming that the lady was a witch. The next day, the men went to the village magistrate and made accusations that the lady was a witch. Telling the magistrate that the lady was a lover of the devil and that afer watching her dance in the forest naked with the horned king himself, she had sent her demon dog after them in her fury. Soon the entire village was in an uproar and demanded that the lady be hanged for witchcraft.

The lady at this time was trying to mend her broken window, and had no knowledge of the village's plans. All that would quickly change however, as an angry mob of villagers came stomping through the forest towards the lady's home, the evil men and the magistrate leading the villengers on.

The dog growled and tried to protect the lady but there were too many people, and soon both the lady and the dog were imprisoned. Now the magistrate was really a fair man, and in those days people believed that if you were a witch you would float like a twig in water. So he had the people take the lady out in a boat and throw her into the lake to prove if she was innocent or not. The dog growled as they tied the lady and placed iron shackles on her feet. In fact the beast struggled so much that he escaped the villagers' grasps and disappeared into the woods. A few people in the mob chased after it throwing stones.

The lady began to weep as the magistrate and his men rowed her out into the middle of the lake. With each stroke of the rows the sky began to grow dark over head. The sun a blinding ray shining down on the little boat as it peaked through the clouds.

As they reached the center of the lake they lady could swear she hear a small and quiet little voice call her name. But when she looked around there was no one there except for what appeared to be a large and handsome white fish. But before she could look closer, the men stopped the boat and threw the lady into the lake. The lady found that she could not swim and she slowly began to sink down and down into the water depths...

She tried to cry out, but no one could hear her, save the fish who watched her with deep and sorrowful eyes. As she sank to the bottom, the lady's strength soon gave out and the last thing she saw before being thrust into darkness was the sun glittering like a mosaic tile above her head. This would be the last time the lady would ever see the sun again...

Above the water the magistrate was furious, he had the two evil men tortured and imprisoned for life for the murder of the beautiful lady. The villagers' began to cry for the lady had always been so kind and good to them, that they were ashamed to think that they had ever accused her of being a witch. One villager in anger gauged the eye of one of the evil men so badly that it would cause him to hang himself in prison eight months later. The lady's house was then burned to the ground for no one wished to live there, and soon the lady was forgotten...

But what really became of the lady? Well for those of you who remember the beginning of this tale, you would remember that she saved a small white fish…and that she had sheltered a white dog…Well the lady did in fact not die, and when she awoke she found that she was in the company of a very kind and handsome man. A man who possessed very strange blue and gold eyes and rather wild white hair with flecks of gold in it.

He was the fish who she had saved when she was young, and he was also the dog that she had sheltered. He explained to her that he was the king of the underground land that existed beneath the lake. He then offered that she live the rest of her days in the underground for the earth above believed she was dead. She agreed, and as time went on, she and the strong, kind hearted king fell in love with each other. The lady and the lake eventually disappeared into legends and mystery. But the love that was shared between the lady and the king would last for eternity.

(End of Fairytale one)

Well that's all for now folks…I told you it wouldn't be too bad, well…at least I hope it wasn't so bad…see you all later on the same station next month. Now if you'll excuse me I've a problem with a Bogart in my laundry. That and a magicked dryer that keeps stealing my socks and replacing them rainbow colored ones, (sighs) oh the joys of a community laundry.


End file.
